24 Comments

"It's about shifting from autopilot to active engagement, from judgment to empathy, from closing doors to opening them wide."

So true, Dr Alex!

After my massive left-center-brain stroke Halloween, 2013, I dealt with some stuttering and more about mislaying words.

Rather than owning, "I forgot," I embrace temporarily misplacing words.

Then, I ask a simple question, "What is the word that means abc," and go about my business.

When the word floats to top of mind, I can speak it. 🎯

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Thank you for sharing! Yes, embracing what it has been happening without too much judgment on my part has been hard.

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Really enjoyed this Alex, thanks for sharing. Reminds me of the phrase "we're not who we think are, we're not what others think we are, we're what we think others think we are" 🙏 we can never know what's in someone's else head, but being curious, rather than making assumptions, is actually pretty life changing 🥰

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Yes, what a beautiful phrase to summarize this entire article! Thank you for sharing ❤️

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"people assumed they were less intelligent and incapable."

I wonder if this is cultural...

When I lived in Bolivia for a few years I was learning Spanish as a second language and Aymara as a third language.

It's strange I never had anyone slow down their speech for me as I stuttered through and murdered their language and dialects.

Instead, people would ask me where I was from and then want to practice their broken English with me.

David Brooks wrote this in his new book "How to Know a Person"

- When you're surrounded by mystery, it's best to live life in the form of a question.

People in my culture assume its rude to ask about anything out of the ordinary...that it would be uncomfortable for the person with the disability, pink hair, or person that ordered 6 shots of espresso in their coffee.

Seeing it as an opportunity to be curious about another's world and what I might learn seems like a better assumption to make.

Even if it still makes an ass out of you and me...I may learn to ask better questions for the next time around.

Thanks for the nice moment of reflection today Dr Alex!

What is the best question I can use to learn about someone's stutter?

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Thank you for sharing! I appreciate that!

Your question is good and I simply don't know. I'm about 4 weeks in to having a stutter, and it's simply prompted a lot of introspection on my part. And perhaps that is where we start - what assumptions are we making about this person? How does it make us feel? Does it make us feel uncomfortable?

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Great post Alex. Assuming things has led to a lot of suffering in my life. I love this quote: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity." Kind of falls in line with what you wrote here about assuming things.

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Assumptions have created quite a bit of suffering too! I love the quote you shared - I agree... I think so many people attribute things to malice that simply aren't. Most people aren't giving any of us the time of day we think they are, they are simply ignorant.

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Those situations like you described with the barista sound terrible.

One of your points was assuming that because a friend hasn’t contacted lately, they aren’t open to activities and are purposefully avoiding. That is an assumption I’m guilty of and it’s not too late to do something about it!

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Honestly, I wrote it and started laughing because I was literally guilty of it that day! Our assumptions are just so ever present. Thank you for reading and sharing! Now go reach out to that friend :) I'm having coffee with mine this weekend.

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Great article

Inquiry is probably one of the best approaches. I have been working on learning to always ask questions rather than telling anything to anybody - not doing well so far, but still trying.

The other thing I like to offer that I have seen helping even though in another setting and not directly related to stuttering.

I know this is a stretch - I have seen that you can somewhat influence the assumptions because many many, if not most people, live with believes that they did not discover themselves but adopted because "everybody does it too".

So, one thing that I suggest trying is talking in a different language. I used this in San Diego with the little bit of Spanish I know. In Germany I used English.

Interestingly the assumption is switching from assumption of dis-ability to assumption of "honoring genuine effort"

Society should not be this way but it mostly is and maybe this idea can help

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"switching from assumption of dis-ability to assumption of "honoring genuine effort"

Wow. What a powerful statement! I truly love that.

Thank you for your insightful comment! Once I get my ability to remember spanish (i've lost much of my vocabulary - CRAZY) I'll start speaking in another language. For now, I can sing just fine, and that has been wonderful.

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Hi Alexander, I just saw your latest note in the share-notes section on Tom Kuegler's Discord.

'Are they based on past experiences, cultural stereotypes, or even unconscious biases?'

I feel that it's so easy for us to assume things based on these factors above. And rarely do we analyze and question such assumptions.

It shows you how little we humans use our rational and critical thinking! Really sorry to hear about your accident.

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Thanks! And yes, I think we could all do a bit more critical thinking. It's hard, but worth it.

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ALEX! GREAT POST! I really loved reading it! I think one of the biggest life lessons being a solo entrepreneur is checking my own assumptions even the ones that are “good” because without checking them im stunted in a former version of myself without the capability to grow or evolve.

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Chris - thank YOU! I appreciate that. And thank you for sharing your solopreneur journey about assumptions. Between assumptions and expectations.. if we could eliminate those (or stay curious about them) we would suffer less.

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Such a helpful post, Alex! Really pointed to some assumptions I was making today about connecting with someone. Bummer about that barista encounter. Although makes me curious about what might’ve been happening for them in that moment! Super appreciate your posts!

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Thank you, Rosa 🙏🏼. I'm glad it was helpful. And yes, I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt, but dang, it's interesting how something so simple creates so much pain.

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Your docs file is really good! Thanks.

Assumptions are the silent assassins of understanding”…. 🤩We build assumptions when we start to analyze too much or we just pick up those assumptions from our social surroundings.

So much space for improvement in our human society.

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So much space and opportunity. And I am TRULY hopeful that we can all change the world together.

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Terrific article! Here is my silly thought about being aware of assumptions: when you assume you make an “ass out of u and me” . Also expectations are a cousin of assumptions in my experiences. I have had a lot expectation rule my relationships, until I realized those expectations were causing me a lot of grief because they resulted in assumptions. So I love this piece you wrote and your providing a working guideline tool for us readers! Thank you again for helping learn something new!

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Not a silly thought at all. It is the BEST reminder.

Great point on expectations. Expectation is truly the cause of so much suffering. Releasing them is game changing!

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I loved learning something about the human behind the Substack profile and name. Thank you for revealing your world to us. Assumptions are part of our human conditions, but, indeed, it doesn't mean we can't do something about it.

Your article reminds me of a sentence I learned in a training I took last year(Authentic Relating). It's "There's a story in my mind....", and the trainer invited us to use this sentence to introduce an assumption and ask the other to tell us if it is true or not. A helpful trick to get into the habit of verifying the stories in our mind, instead of believing them. And, very often, they're totally imagined stories, and it's such a relief to have them debunked by the other person!

Happy to have discovered your Substack! 🌻

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