Toxic Healing

When "Getting Better" Gets in the Way

Rehab: My Part-Time Job

It’s probably fair to say that I’ve attacked my post-accident rehabilitation with the same intensity I usually reserve for, you know, actual career goals.  

It’s basically become a part-time job. Between doctor's visits that feel like they're scheduled in a different time zone, travel time that could rival a cross-country road trip, and all of the at-home work, I’m spending AT LEAST 20 hours a week on this whole "getting better" thing.

But here I am, three months post-accident, and guess what? 

It's time to add ANOTHER doctor to my ever-growing list of healthcare providers. Because, surprise, surprise, there are parts of me that just haven't healed. Despite all of the work I’ve put into it. Some things haven't even shown a glimmer of improvement. Just more claims for my insurance to deny, I guess.

And I’m simultaneously frustrated, disappointed, and just plain tired. Like, "I could win an Olympic medal in napping" tired.

But in a recent conversation with my best friend, he proceeded to question my entire mindset surrounding my rehab and healing. Naturally, I rebelled against any assertion that I was expecting too much from myself. 

But then... it hit me. He might actually be right.

I was in a toxic healing process. At least to some degree.

Crap.

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Sometimes, we struggle with moving from "I wish" to "I am."

Having a clear, heartfelt intention is a powerful antidote. Find yours through this free Yoga Nidra meditation, “The Seed of Intention.”

The Seed of Intention

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Toxic Healing

When Getting Better Becomes a Trap

Honestly, the words "toxic healing" just kind of popped into my head as I was writing. But a quick Google search primarily focuses on healing from toxic relationships. That's not what I'm talking about here. 

Healing—physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—is like this crazy tightrope balancing act. You have to have an outcome in mind, right? But you also have to let the past rise up and do its thing, all while somehow staying present in the moment. 

Easier said than done.

When we fall into a toxic healing process, I believe it's because we've lost our balance. We've tumbled off that tightrope.

We get too fixated on the outcome we're working towards, or we get stuck in the quicksand of our past experiences. Either way, we're missing the crucial piece of the puzzle: staying present in our healing process.

Staying present means finding that sweet spot between striving for the future and learning from the past. We need to let the outcome stoke the fire within us to keep us on our pathway forward, while allowing our past to provide insightful information that helps us navigate how we want to proceed and what beliefs and behaviors we want to change.

In my case, the outcome is pretty straightforward: I want to heal from this brain injury. 

But perhaps, I’ve allowed myself to become a little too attached to that outcome. 🙂

I’ve poured so much time and effort into this whole healing process. Naturally, I had some significant expectations about where I would be three months out. And honestly? I've been so focused on the end goal that I've missed out on celebrating all the incredible progress I've made.

• I can speak clearly now, without a hint of a stutter, when my mind and body aren't in overdrive. 

• My eyes have stopped doing a weird, fidgety dance they were doing for a while there (it almost looked like I was up to something). 

• I can flow through basic yoga sequences again. 

• I can even hold tree pose for a solid five minutes per side (as long as I don't close my eyes for too long—baby steps, people!). 

• I can be around groups of people again without feeling completely overwhelmed. 

• And the pain in my neck, back, and shoulders has subsided, as long as I don't push myself too hard.

More importantly, I’ve learned to be kinder to myself, more self-compassionate, and more forgiving when my brain and body say, "Nope, not today!"

But then, just as I'm starting to feel good about things, it's so easy to get sucked back into that vortex of comparison. To compare myself to my pre-accident self. Who I was before, how easily things came to me... physical ability, mental sharpness… it's like this constant whisper in the back of my mind, taunting me with the ghost of who I used to be.

But that's not helpful, is it? 

Because that person, that past version of me, he's gone. And clinging to him is only going to keep me stuck. 

My focus needs to be on who I am now, and who I want to become. 

This experience, challenging as it is, gives me an opportunity to approach my life differently. My actions. My thoughts. My language. 

It's a chance to rebuild, to redefine, and to rediscover myself.

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Spotting the Toxic Healing Trap

A Self-Assessment for Your Journey

Whatever healing journey you're on, I'm right there with you in spirit. Sending you all the good vibes and hoping you get everything you need to come out stronger on the other side.

But I also want to nudge you a little, just a tiny bit. 

Have you accidentally stumbled into a toxic healing trap? 

Here's a little self-assessment to help you figure that out (don't worry, I put myself through it too, so we're in this together!):

Attachment to the outcome

When we become too attached to the outcome of healing (or really, the outcome of anything), we lose sight of the amazing progress we're making and the accomplishments we're achieving right now. We get so fixated on the finish line that we forget to enjoy the scenery along the way. And that, my friends, is a recipe for disappointment. (Not to mention a whole lot of unnecessary stress!)

When you feel available, I invite you to reflect on the following questions:

• Am I constantly comparing myself to where I think I should be in my healing journey? (Spoiler alert: There's no "should" in healing. We all move at our own pace.)

• Do I find myself minimizing or dismissing my accomplishments because they don't perfectly align with my ultimate goal? (Remember, every step forward is a victory, no matter how small!)

• Am I so focused on the future that I forget to appreciate the present moment and all the good things that are happening right now? (Take a deep breath, look around, and notice the beauty in the here and now.)

• Is my attachment to the outcome causing me unnecessary stress and anxiety? (If so, it might be time to loosen your grip and allow yourself to flow with the process.)

• Am I celebrating my wins, no matter how small? (Pop the champagne, do a little dance, treat yourself to something special—you deserve it!)

Attachment to the past

When we become too attached to the past—our old wounds, past versions of ourselves, those beliefs that no longer serve us—it's like trying to drive a car while constantly looking in the rearview mirror. We lose sight of where we're going and end up crashing into the same old patterns and limitations. (And nobody wants that, right?)

We lose touch with our ultimate outcome and get stuck in the quicksand of "what was." It's like we're clinging to a faded photograph, unable to see the vibrant, evolving picture of our lives unfolding right in front of us.

• Am I holding onto past hurts or regrets that are preventing me from moving forward? (It's time to let go of that baggage, my friend. It's weighing you down!)

• Am I constantly comparing myself to a past version of myself? (Remember, you're not the same person you were yesterday, let alone five years ago. Give yourself some credit for how far you've come!)

• Do I find myself saying things like, "I used to be able to..." or "I should be able to..."? (Those phrases are like little anchors, keeping you stuck in the past. Time to cut those ties and set sail for new horizons!)

• Am I afraid to let go of the past because it's familiar, even if it's painful? (Stepping outside your comfort zone can be scary, but it's also where the magic happens!)

• Am I allowing my past experiences to define who I am today? (You are so much more than your past! Embrace the present moment and the endless possibilities that lie ahead.)

I purposely used yes-or-no questions for this self-assessment because, let's be honest, sometimes we just need a quick gut check. We're not trying to dissect every aspect of our healing journey here; we're just sparking a little self-awareness. 

If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, that's okay!  It just means you could be a little stuck, and that's something you can definitely work on.  (Remember those comments I left by each question? Go back and give them another look. They might offer some helpful insights or simply some comfort.)

The most important thing is to be honest with yourself and to approach this whole healing thing with kindness and compassion.  You're doing the best you can, and that's all that matters.

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Rewriting the Narrative

So, there you have it. My confession: I was stuck in a toxic healing trap. 

I was so focused on getting back to my "old self" that I forgot to appreciate the incredible journey I was on and the progress I was making. But hey, at least I realized it, right? And now, I'm taking things one day at a time, celebrating the small victories, and focusing on who I am now and who I want to become.

But I'm no longer stuck, because I now know that I was stuck. See how that works? A bit of self-awareness can go a long way.  It's like shining a light on those hidden corners of our minds and saying, "Aha! There you are!"

If you're reading this and nodding along, know that you're not alone. We all get caught in those traps sometimes. But the good news is, we have the power to break free. Be kind to yourself, celebrate your wins, and remember that healing takes time. You've got this!

So, take a deep breath, let go of those expectations, and embrace the present moment. Your healing journey is unique and beautiful, even with all its twists and turns. Trust in yourself, trust in the process, and never give up hope. 

You are healing each and every day that you try. ✨

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