The Art of Grateful Gratitude
Thanksgiving: time for turkey, family, and that awkward moment when you realize your "gratitude list" sounds suspiciously like everyone else's.
Ah, Thanksgiving.
That time of year when we collectively pause, loosen our belts a notch (or three), and ponder all the good stuff in our lives.
We dutifully scribble in gratitude journals, rattle off blessings around the dinner table like a grocery list, and even craft the perfect "thankful" post for social media, complete with a fall-themed filter.
#Blessed, am I right?
But here's the question that's been bouncing around my brain lately: Are we really grateful? Or are we just going through the motions? Is it genuine gratitude, or are we performing gratitude for an audience, even if that audience is just our own reflection in the gravy boat?
I don't know about you, but sometimes I get caught up in this weird gratitude Olympics, comparing my list of blessings to everyone else's highlight reel. And suddenly, my cozy home feels a little less cozy, my slightly-chipped mug seems a little less charming, and my "I woke up this morning" gratitude entry feels utterly basic.
Maybe it's time to ditch the gratitude grocery-list and dig a little deeper.
True gratitude isn't about how much we have but how much we appreciate what we do have, even the messy, imperfect bits.
Rote Gratitude
Okay, so maybe we're all a little guilty of "rote gratitude" sometimes.
You know, that kind of gratitude that's more about checking boxes than truly feeling it. It's like we've turned gratitude into this weird performance where we're so busy showcasing our thankfulness that we forget to actually be thankful.
It's like those times when you're at the Thanksgiving table, and everyone's going around saying what they're grateful for.
"I'm grateful for my health," Aunt Mildred chirps.
"I'm grateful for my family," Uncle Jim booms.
And then it gets to you, and suddenly, you're scrambling, trying to come up with something profound and Instagram-worthy.
"I'm grateful for... uh... the existence of oxygen?"
(Yeah, that might sound like an over-exaggeration, but… I panicked once okay?)
The problem with rote gratitude is that it keeps us stuck at the surface. It's like we're reciting lines from a script instead of truly connecting with the emotion. We go through the motions, but our hearts aren't really in it. And when we do that, we miss out on the real magic of gratitude.
Think of it this way: Imagine you're given a beautiful, hand-painted piece of art. You could glance at it, acknowledge its existence, and then move on. Or, you could take the time to truly see it – the intricate brushstrokes, the vibrant colors, the emotion it evokes. Which experience do you think would be more meaningful?
Rote gratitude is like glancing at the painting.
It's acknowledging the good things in our lives without truly appreciating them. But when we slow down, breathe deeply, and allow ourselves to feel the gratitude, it's like we're diving into that painting, immersing ourselves in its beauty.
So, how do we break free from this cycle of rote gratitude and tap into something deeper? That's what we'll explore next...
Beyond the Surface
Okay, so we've called ourselves out on the whole "rote gratitude" thing.
Now what?
How do we move beyond the surface and cultivate a genuine sense of gratitude that actually resonates within us?
I think it starts with getting real. Like, really real.
It's about acknowledging the full spectrum of our experiences, not just the shiny, happy parts. Because let's face it, life isn't all sunshine and rainbows. There are messy bits, painful bits, and downright frustrating bits. And those bits deserve our attention too.
Now, I'm not saying we need to wallow in negativity or ignore the good stuff. But I do think there's power in acknowledging the whole picture. When we allow ourselves to feel the full range of our emotions – the joy, the sorrow, the anger, the fear – we create space for a more profound, more authentic experience of gratitude.
It's like this: imagine you're hiking a mountain.
The view from the top is breathtaking, no doubt.
But the journey to get there?
That's where the real growth happens. You stumble, you sweat, you might even want to give up a few times. But those challenges, those moments of struggle, make the view from the top even more rewarding.
In the same way, when we acknowledge the full spectrum of our experiences, the good and the bad, the gratitude we feel becomes more profound. It's not just about appreciating the easy stuff; it's about finding gratitude even in the midst of challenges. It's about recognizing the strength we've gained from overcoming obstacles, the lessons we've learned from our mistakes, and the resilience we've developed in the face of adversity.
So, how do we do this in practice? How do we move beyond the surface and unearth this authentic gratitude? Well, that's where things get really interesting...
The Gratitude Excavation: Digging Deep(er)
Alright, let's grab our metaphorical shovels and get ready for some gratitude excavation! Unearthing authentic gratitude isn't always easy. It requires us to get a little dirty, dig beneath the surface, and explore the depths of our experiences.
Here are a few tools to help us with our excavation:
The Mindfulness Magnifying Glass
Instead of rushing through our days on autopilot, let's slow down and pay attention. Notice the warmth of the sun on your skin, the taste of your morning coffee, the sound of laughter in the air. When we truly tune in to the present moment, we start to appreciate the little things that often go unnoticed.
Here’s a walking meditation to get you started:
The "Even Though" Journal
This is one of my favorite tools! Instead of just listing things we're grateful for, let's add an "even though" clause. For example: "I'm grateful for my cozy apartment, even though it's a little too small for my ever-growing book collection." This helps us acknowledge the challenges while still appreciating the good.
The Gratitude Scavenger Hunt
Challenge yourself to find gratitude in unexpected places. Maybe it's the grumpy cashier at the grocery store who reminds you about the solace of patience. Or the flat tire that forces you to slow down and appreciate the unexpected break. Sometimes, the things we initially perceive as negative can lead to unexpected blessings.
The "Thank You" Note to Yourself
Yes, you read that right! Write a thank you note to yourself, acknowledging your strength, resilience, and all the amazing things you've overcome. We often forget to give ourselves credit for how far we've come.
—
Remember, this gratitude excavation is an ongoing process.
It's not about achieving some perfect state of constant thankfulness. It's about showing up each day with an open heart and a willingness to dig a little deeper. It's about finding the glimmers of gratitude even in the midst of life's messiness. And most importantly, it's about remembering that true gratitude isn't a performance; it's a journey of self-discovery and appreciation.
The Gift of Gratitude
So, as we gather around our tables this Thanksgiving, let's not just go through the motions of gratitude. Let's ditch the performative checklist and embrace the messy, beautiful reality of our lives. Let's acknowledge the struggles, celebrate the triumphs, and find gratitude in the unexpected detours.
Because here's the thing about gratitude: it's not just a feeling; it's a gift. A gift we give ourselves when we choose to focus on the good, even when things are tough. A gift that opens our hearts, expands our perspectives, and connects us to something bigger than ourselves.
In a world that often feels chaotic and overwhelming, gratitude is a beacon of hope. It reminds us that even in the darkest of times, there is always something to be thankful for. It empowers us to face challenges with resilience, appreciate the small moments, and find joy in the journey.
This Thanksgiving, let's give ourselves the gift of gratitude. Let's dig deep, embrace the full spectrum of our experiences, and allow our hearts to be filled with appreciation. Because when we do, we not only transform our own lives, but we also contribute to a more grateful, hopeful, and connected world.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. May your hearts be full of gratitude, your bellies full of delicious food, and your laughter echo through the ages. 🩵
About Alexander Lovell, PhD
Hello, my friend!
I'm Dr. Alexander Lovell, a Yoga Therapist, Master Integrative Coach, and Breathworker (and a recovering political psychologist). My practice focuses on deep restoration to help bring the mind, body, and spirit back into alignment. My research, writing, and practice has been featured in a diversity of publications, including the Washington Post, Forbes, Fortune, and more.
You put your finger on why I am suspect of our culture's glorification of gratitude. It seems fake to me in many instances. I see those home decor signs with the word "Grateful", and the social media hashtags and it appears to be window dressing. I'm a firm believer in selective gratefulness. Some things just suck, including relationships, and we're not always in a mindset to be grateful for them. They teach us things, but... can we sincerely generate gratitude? I don't know. I'm not there.
Here's another one of my triggers: BLESSED. That one really gets me! Thanks for your insight! Very well done as usual.
How do you actually know that people are being disingenuous with gratitude? Why presume it’s only “going through the motions”? How do you know that the person being grateful is just uttering platitudes by using the only tools they have at their disposal to express deep genuine gratitude isn’t actual gratitude? Most people I have come across don’t recognize real gratitude as honest gratefulness. Instead their reaction to it is more like what you wrote here. They initially take it as being too good to be true, but the person giving it recognizes the gratitude is being presumed as “fake or just words”, but gives it anyway because they really feel it. How do you know or presume to know what another person is feeling? Sometimes as rare as it may seem there are a few people in the world who say what they mean and mean what they say, knowing what is real and what is fake takes experience and practice at dropping presumptions. Perhaps what we are taught growing up might help in deciphering the experiences we each have that makes us different yet also similar. There are signs of people pleasers and one trait some may have is an expression of overbearing gratitude, many times it’s obvious, other times it’s not. I was taught to be grateful and that respect is earned not given. Also being considerate meant you recognize a person’s value and it’s okay to say it aloud while thinking in their shoes. That’s genuine if all those components are clear: respect, recognition and concern. A lot of times I expressed my own gratitude for different people for different reasons. I am mostly told how kind or sweet I am, it is important to me to clear that presumption. So my response is always I ’m not being kind or sweet just honest. In my experiences, that is even less accepted as real than the gratefulness was. Being grateful for things or lack of them is much simpler. Being grateful for what I have material-wise is what I consider a blessing not gratitude. Gratitude comes when I see what I don’t have because it’s hardship and I’m grateful if I don’t have hardship in other words things can always be worse. Your said, “…,,just our own reflection in the gravy boat?” Suppose it isn’t self reflection but a way to see things outside of oneself and showing gratitude for the existence of others and expressing it openly? Is that disingenuous? I choose to think it’s a gift instead to be able to express how one feels when it comes to being grateful because far too few people are considerate these days so, they go through the motions because it’s less awkward that way. If more people remembered that value these days perhaps genuine gratitude could be seen as it’s offered … genuine thankfulness.
I wish you and yours a Blessed and joyful Thanksgiving. I hope when you look around this year you will feel real gratitude for all of it and are able to genuinely express it. I know I will be doing that not because I need to be kind or a “people pleaser” but because my heart feels it. Thank you Alex for helping me see what others see.