Suds, Sanity, and a Costco-Sized Epiphany: My Soapy Lesson in Burnout

It turns out that my metaphor for burnout really needed an update.

AI-generated image of me, creating quite a soapy mess. Generated using DALL-E by me.

This weekend I got distracted washing my truck and accidentally wasted a bucket full of expensive soap. 

And that soapy mess turned into a full-blown epiphany about burnout.

So there I was, trying to wash my truck. Not the smartest move on a 100-degree day in Utah. But hey, I'd finally bought this fancy soap at Costco. It's supposedly a good deal, right? I was determined to use it.

Bucket filled, soap dumped in, water flowing... and then my YAYDHD kicked in. Mailbox flag up? Gotta check it. Garbage can out? Better bring it in. Dead patch of grass? Must investigate a sus looking sprinkler. Next thing I know, I'm sitting on the front porch, sweaty and parched. A sip from the hose sounds perfect... if only I could find it.

Oh. Right.

It's in the bucket.

Which is overflowing. 

With my fancy soap swirling down the driveway.

As I stood there watching the suds disappear, something clicked. For years, I'd thought about burnout like an empty bucket. You keep giving and giving until you're bone dry, right? But that didn't quite fit. Burnout isn't just about being empty; it's about being overwhelmed, overflowing.

That overflowing bucket is like when we're so stressed and overcommitted. Even the good stuff (like fancy soap) gets washed away. We can't appreciate it, can't hold onto it. And if we keep adding more "good stuff" to an already overflowing bucket? 

It's pointless. It just flows right out. 

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A popular metaphor for burnout is the "empty bucket." You start each day with a full bucket of energy, but life's stressors drain it. Ideally, you rest and refill overnight. But, many of us keep pushing, borrowing from tomorrow's reserves. Eventually, we're running on empty, and burnout sets in.

Now, this bucket metaphor does work. It can help with self-understanding. It can help in setting better boundaries and creating better restorative practices. And, maybe most importantly, it helps in learning the power of saying "no."

And let's face it, we could all probably use a little more "no" in our lives, am I right? 😉

While this metaphor is helpful, it's incomplete. It doesn't address the cumulative effect of stress on our minds and bodies. It's not just about running out of energy; it's about the constant pressure that builds up over time. So, I gave the metaphor an upgrade.

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Let's take another look at that bucket. This time, imagine it represents your overall capacity for stress and nervous system activation. We all have different-sized buckets, right? Some of us are like those giant Costco barrels, ready to handle a whole lot of whatever life throws our way. Others have more of a Stanley-sized capacity—may be due to past experiences, trauma, or just a naturally lower tolerance for stress. It's just how we're wired.

Now, the water in that bucket? 

That's your stressors. We usually think of stressors as big and obvious. They are work deadlines, family drama, money worries, and health issues. 

And yeah, those definitely fill up the bucket fast. But remember, stress isn't just about the big stuff. Even positive things, like exciting events or major life changes, can add water to our bucket. It's all about the mental, physical, or spiritual pressure we're under.

Some experiences fill up our bucket way faster than others. For example, public speaking? No biggie for me. Even in front of hundreds of people, I'm strangely comfortable (maybe I just like the attention – who knows?).

But air travel? That's a whole different story. Cramming myself into a plane like a sardine for hours? That fills my bucket to the brim. By the time I land, I'm practically comatose.

Seriously, if you see me slumped over in an Uber, just assume I've been on a plane for too long.

That is probably me, many times in my life, as I tried to make my way to a hotel whilst rethinking my life choices. Generated using DALL-E by me.

When that water level gets too high, our bodies and minds start waving red flags. They tell us to slow down, take a break, and give ourselves some space to breathe. But what happens if we ignore those signals?

Imagine the water level reaching the very top of your bucket. That's you hitting your max—your capacity is full, and there's no more room for anything else. It's like trying to squeeze one more suitcase into an already packed car trunk. It just won't fit, and something's got to give. 

In our case, that "something" is usually our well-being. We might have physical symptoms, like exhaustion or headaches, or emotional ones, like irritability and anxiety. The overflowing bucket shows we've reached our limit. It's time to act before things get worse.

That's why I've learned my lesson and stopped scheduling speeches on the same day I fly. I know my bucket is already overflowing after a long flight. I need time to drain it before I can even think about stepping on a stage. Otherwise, I'm pushing myself over the edge. Even if I manage to pull off the presentation, I'll pay for it later with exhaustion and burnout.

This reminds me of a quote from Rumi:

"Your intelligence is always with you, overseeing your body, even if you may not be aware of its work.

If you start doing something against your health, your intelligence eventually scolds you."

Rumi was onto something, wasn't he?

They have these built-in mechanisms to help us manage stress and reduce that water level. But if we ignore those signals (and overflow our bucket), our bodies will take matters into their own hands. And trust me, it's way more pleasant (and productive) to work with our bodies, not against them. 

I mean, who really wants to be scolded by their inner intelligence?

So now, when I get to my hotel room after a flight, I don't even think about opening my laptop. I drop my stuff, lace up my sneakers, and head outside for a walk. I find a park, reconnect with nature, and maybe do some yoga. I make sure I'm hydrated and well-fed (because good food is essential for my happy soul), and I prioritize a good night's sleep.

When I take that time for myself, I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to rock that presentation. And afterward? Instead of crashing from exhaustion, I have the energy to connect with people, network, and actually enjoy the experience.

It's all about honoring my bucket, listening to my body, and giving myself what I need to thrive.

But how do we actually do that? How do we start to honor our own unique capacity and avoid burnout?

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But how do we actually do that? How do we start to honor our own unique capacity and avoid burnout?

It starts with reconnecting with ourselves and truly understanding how our unique water level feels. 

I know that can be a weird thing to think about sometimes.

We often forget how things feel when stress and burnout take over. We get so ingrained in survival mode that feeling within our bodies becomes an inconvenience. 

Who has time for that when there's still so much to do?

Here's the thing: Reconnecting with our bodies is key. It's crucial for healing our relationship with ourselves. It starts with understanding what different water levels feel like – full, average, low, overflowing, empty. Once you can recognize those sensations, you can start to pay attention to them.

Then, take an inventory of the "ladles" in your life.

These are the self-care practices that help you scoop out some of that stress. And be brutally honest with yourself: are those practices truly restorative, or are they just coping mechanisms?

Then, go and do.

Once you've identified your restorative practices, I challenge you to take one small action. Don't try to overhaul your entire life overnight – that's a recipe for overwhelm. 

Just start with something small. Maybe it's five minutes of deep breathing, a short walk around the block, or a few minutes of journaling.

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If your water level is super high right now, that's okay. You're not alone. Millions of people are feeling the same way. 

It's okay to be burned out, overwhelmed, and stressed. But remember, you have everything you need to start lowering your water level, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

So, take a small action today. 

See how it changes your water level.

Notice how it feels when your nervous system deactivates, even just a little bit. 

• What changes for you? 

• What do those changes feel like?

• What happens when you have a little more capacity open up?

And when that capacity opens up, what are you immediately drawn to do? More work? More obligations? 

If so, gently check yourself. Maybe that extra capacity is an opportunity for more restorative self-care, not just more doing. Remember, you always have the opportunity to work more, but the chances to rest and restore are often fleeting.

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And if you were wondering - yes, that sprinkler was broken. 

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