Assumptions are the silent assassins of understanding

There I was, wrestling with my morning coffee order like it was a cage match.

(Part) of my brain knew exactly what I wanted, but my mouth and throat seemed to have other plans. After several valiant (and slightly embarrassing) attempts, I got my order out.

Phew.

But apparently, I mumbled something wrong because the barista suddenly switched to slow-motion speech. "What....size....would....you....like?"

I gave her a smile, trying to be gracious. She's just trying to be helpful, right?

"I-I-I-I ju-ju-just have a st-st-stutter," I explained, trying to keep my voice steady. "I can un-un-understand you when you speak no-no-normally. I'd like a la-la-large."

Hoping we were back on track, I smiled again. Her response?

"Would........you........like........food........with........your........order........today?"

It was even slower.

A wave of emotions crashed over me. Anger. Shame. Sadness. Hopelessness. Why was this happening, especially after I explained?

I simply looked at her, focused hard, and managed a slow, deliberate "No, thank you." I paid and left, the sting of her assumptions lingering long after the coffee was gone.

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This wasn't just a one-off, a quirky barista having a bad day. It was a pattern, a painful echo of similar encounters I'd had over the past few weeks.

The question gnawed at me: Why? Why did people seem to treat me differently, with a strange mix of pity and impatience, just because of my stutter?

I hadn't grown up with this. It was a cruel souvenir from a car accident, a brain injury that left me fumbling for words. Speech therapy was very slowly helping, but it also opened my eyes to the world's assumptions about people who stutter.

I reached out to friends who'd navigated this terrain their whole lives. Their stories were chillingly similar: people assumed they were less intelligent and incapable.

Now, you might say, "Alex, isn't that an assumption?" Maybe. But even if it is, there's cold, hard science backing it up. Research shows society often paints a negative picture of people who stutter, linking it to lower intelligence. They then have poorer quality of life outcomes.

All because of assumptions. Assumptions that close doors, that dim the light of potential, that whisper lies about a person's worth.

“We all make assumptions. Our minds take shortcuts. We see patterns where none exist. It's how we survive."

- Tess Gerritsen

Tess Gerritsen hit the nail on the head. Our brains are wired to take shortcuts, to see patterns even where there aren't any. It's like our mental autopilot, helping us navigate the world without getting overwhelmed.

Imagine trying to navigate every single moment of your day with fresh eyes, questioning every little detail. You'd be exhausted before breakfast! 

But... (you knew there was a "but" coming, didn't you?)... here's the catch: When we assume, we close doors. We miss out on chances to truly connect, to understand, to thrive. Assumptions might be our survival instinct, but they can also be our growth kryptonite.

Think about it:

• You assume your partner knows you're upset, so you give them the silent treatment. Door closed on healthy communication.

• You assume your new coworker is lazy because they take long lunches. Door closed on building a positive work relationship.

• You assume you're too old to learn a new language. Door closed on a potentially enriching experience.

• You assume you don't have time for exercise or meditation. Door closed on improving your physical and mental well-being.

• You assume your friend isn't interested in hanging out because they haven't called lately. Door closed on a potentially fun evening and a chance to reconnect.

Even well-intentioned assumptions can build walls between us and the world. They can lead to misunderstandings, missed opportunities, and even self-sabotage.

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So, what's the solution? It's not about eradicating assumptions entirely - that's like trying to stop blinking. Instead, let's strive for mindful assumptions. It's about cultivating a sense of curiosity and openness, even when our brains are tempted to jump to conclusions.

Notice them

Become aware of when you're making assumptions.

• Pay attention to those subtle shifts in your thinking. Do you find yourself filling in the blanks about someone's motivations or feelings? Based on limited information, are you making predictions about how a situation will unfold?

• Explore the roots of your assumptions. Are they based on past experiences, cultural stereotypes, or even unconscious biases? Understanding their origins can help you challenge them more effectively.

Question them

Don't take your assumptions at face value.

• Treat them like hypotheses, not facts. Just because you think something is true doesn't mean it actually is true.

• Challenge your own perspective. Ask yourself: "What other explanations might there be? Am I missing something important?"

• Embrace the gray areas. Life is rarely black and white. Be open to the possibility that there's more to the story than meets the eye.

Be curious

Seek understanding.

• Approach situations with a genuine desire to learn and connect. Instead of judging, try to understand.

• Ask open-ended questions. Invite others to share their thoughts and feelings without putting them on the defensive.

• Practice active listening. Truly hear what others are saying, both verbally and non-verbally.

It's about shifting from autopilot to active engagement, from judgment to empathy, from closing doors to opening them wide. It's about recognizing that assumptions, while sometimes helpful, can also limit our understanding and connection with the world around us. By cultivating mindfulness, we can create space for deeper relationships, greater self-awareness, and a more fulfilling life.

Download an infographic of these steps here:

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Assumptions are the silent assassins of understanding, lurking in the shadows of our minds, ready to strike when we least expect it. They chip away at connection, distort our perceptions, and limit our potential. But we have the power to fight back.

By cultivating mindfulness, questioning our assumptions, and seeking genuine understanding, we can disarm these silent assassins. We can open doors instead of closing them and build bridges instead of walls.

Let's embrace curiosity over judgment and empathy over apathy. 

Let's embrace the messiness and complexity of human experience. 

Let's create a world where understanding flourishes, not because we assume, but because we truly listen.

Even if listening to me sounds like a skipping record. 

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